Let's Talk About Sextortion Out Loud.
- Julie Simms
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
If someone threatens to expose an intimate photo or video, do not let embarrassment convince you that you have to handle it alone. Don’t pay. Don’t send more pics. Save the evidence and tell someone you trust. There is help, and a picture or video is never worth your life.
That is the most important thing I want someone to take away from this conversation.
There are some conversations we would rather not have. They are uncomfortable, embarrassing, and sometimes we convince ourselves that if we don’t talk about something, maybe we won’t have to deal with it. Sextortion is one of those conversations, but silence is also part of what gives it power.
Sextortion happens when someone obtains or captures an intimate image or video and uses it to threaten, blackmail or control another person. It can start with something that seems pretty ordinary such as a social media message, an online game, a new follower, a dating app, or someone who appears to be around the same age. The conversation becomes friendly or flirtatious, sometimes it moves to another platform, turns sexual, and before the person realizes what is happening, there may be an image, screenshot or recording that can be used against them.
The offender may demand money, more images or continued sexual activity. They may threaten to send the image to family and friends or show screenshots of the victim’s followers to prove they know exactly who those people are. In some cases, they may even gain control of a social media account, such as Instagram, giving them another way to contact friends or distribute images. At that point, fear and embarrassment can make an already serious situation feel completely overwhelming.
Let's talk about the embarrassment.
This is one of the main reasons I wanted to have this conversation. We can tell people not to send intimate pictures, not to trust strangers online and not to make certain choices, but once something has already happened, none of those warnings solve the immediate problem.
Someone in that situation may be thinking, "I sent the picture. I should have known better. What are people going to think? What if my parents find out?" That embarrassment can become so overwhelming that asking for help feels worse than continuing to deal with the person making the threats.
Feeling embarrassed, ashamed, scared or panicked is a normal reaction, but embarrassment is not a reason to face this alone. What happened does not become less serious because you sent a picture, trusted someone, flirted with someone or made a decision you now regret. Whatever happened before the threat does not justify what is happening to you now.
Although teens and young adults are especially vulnerable, this can happen to anyone. Adults get manipulated. Educated people get manipulated. People who understand technology get manipulated. Knowing better does not always mean we recognize when we are being manipulated.
Social media can make the panic even worse.
Account takeover is another piece of this that increases panic. If an offender gets control of someone’s Instagram or another social media account, they may suddenly have direct access to the people the victim is most afraid will see the image. They can potentially send messages that appear to come from the victim, contact friends and family, or use the account itself to continue the threats.
This is where cybersecurity and sextortion overlap. Strong, unique passwords and multi-factor authentication matter, but if an account has already been compromised, there may be more to secure than Instagram. The email account connected to it should be checked, passwords that were reused on other accounts need to be changed, unfamiliar sessions or devices should be removed, and friends may need to be warned through another method of communication.
Recovering the account is important, but it does not make the sextortion itself disappear. The threats and exploitation still need to be reported to appropriate authorities.
Parents and caregivers, how you respond matters.
If a young person works up the courage to tell you that someone is threatening them with an intimate image, they are probably already embarrassed and scared. They may also be expecting anger, punishment or a lecture, which may be one of the reasons they waited to tell anyone in the first place.
This is not the time to lead with "Why would you send that?” or “What were you thinking?” There will be time later to talk about online choices and what could have been done differently. The immediate priority is helping them deal with what is happening now.
Focus on a few things:
Make sure they feel supported and know they are not dealing with this alone.
Preserve the messages, usernames, screenshots and other evidence.
Do not pay the offender or send additional images.
Get help and report what is happening.
Most importantly, lead with compassion, not judgment. We want young people to know that even when they make a mistake online—and even when that mistake involves something incredibly personal—they can still come to us for help.
If this is happening to you, tell someone.
Telling someone may feel like the hardest part, particularly when the threat involves people you know seeing something you never intended them to see. You do not need to walk into the room with the entire situation figured out, and you do not have to explain everything at once. Try to find the courage to say, "Something happened online and I need help.”
Breaking the silence brings someone else into the situation with you. That matters because sextortion depends heavily on making the victim believe there is no good way out. There are steps you can take, there are organizations that can help, and there are ways to report what is happening.
I created something to help.
I created the J Teaches Tech Sextortion Awareness Toolkit because I wanted people to have something practical they could keep, share and use if this ever happens to them or someone they care about. The toolkit includes information about recognizing sextortion, what to do when it happens, social media account takeover, guidance for parents and caregivers, and trusted resources for reporting and getting help. It is designed to be useful before there is a crisis, too.
Download it, talk about it with your family, share it with a young person, or pass it along in your school, church or community.
My hope is that we start having these conversations before someone is sitting alone with a threatening message on their phone trying to decide what to do next. I want them to already know there is someone they can tell and that asking for help is the right thing to do.
That is what HELP. NOT HUSH. NO SHAME. means.
A Story Worth Reading
James Woods was a 17-year-old high school student and athlete who died by suicide in 2022 after becoming a victim of sextortion. His parents, Timothy and Tamia Woods, turned their loss into action, creating the Do It For James Foundation and working with the FBI to educate young people and families about sextortion. Their message to young people is simple: You matter.
And that is why we need to talk about sextortion OUT LOUD.
J Teaches Tech | Teach. Empower. Protect.
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